Untitled
I didn’t fear my death
I feared yours
Because with your death came mine
But you didn’t die, not in me
And I am still alive
-MMW
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Community Interaction Project
For the community interaction project I asked people to answer 2 short questions about death.
-What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of death?
-What are your emotions towards death?
Some of the answers are from my friends family or other people I know. There are answers by adults and teenagers, and also one answer by a licensed therapist. Also I poster the question on Yahoo Ask to get an even greater range of people answering the question. These are the biggest range of answers I got from people.
JEM
“When I hear the word ‘death‘, and think about it, I tend to imagine the ending of an imperfect story. Some stories end too quickly, some seem to go on forever. The abrupt stories are the teenagers who get into car crashes or children dying in cancer wards while the long ones are the great grandparents that still have traditional sunday dinners. Thinking about death as a closing, a final farewell to the world, rather than mysterious and frightening, makes it easier to accept.
Emotionally, death does not frighten me. At least, my own death does not frighten me, only the deaths of people around me. I see my own death as inevitable; whether it happens tomorrow or in 60 years the result will still be the same. I think if people spend their lives living in fear of death then they can not possibly live to the fullest.”
KD
“I have many different thoughts and feelings when I think of death and they have changed a lot as I have aged. When I was younger it was overwhelming fear and sadness at thoughts of my own and those that I love. I still feel thjat way about those tjhat I love but I have definately come to understand it as part of the whole package of life. I feel that I have had a great life. I0 want to be with my husband and kids and be with my future grandkids for as long as possible. But life has been great for me. I am a little fearful of the unknown and sAd to be separated from those who I love but I have come to accept the inevitable.”
JD
“The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of death is life; new life.
As a human there is some fear of the actual "dying" but I actually look with anticipation, to death to some degree, as I believe strongly in life after death, and the promises we are given by God. Trading in this frail body for one that is eternal and without imperfection appeals to me greatly. =) “
Jacob Shull
“the first thing that comes to my mind is pain
when thinking about death it makes me feel like i can't breath, depressed, and sad”
KD
The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about death is Heaven. As far as my own death goes, I'm not scared or sad about it. When I think about my family or friends dying it scares me to death (no pun intended) and it is more the thought of having to live without them.
Chrissy
“The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of death is Heaven.
I'm not scared of death at all. In fact, I'm kind of excited about it. It would certainly be an interesting experience.”
-What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of death?
-What are your emotions towards death?
Some of the answers are from my friends family or other people I know. There are answers by adults and teenagers, and also one answer by a licensed therapist. Also I poster the question on Yahoo Ask to get an even greater range of people answering the question. These are the biggest range of answers I got from people.
JEM
“When I hear the word ‘death‘, and think about it, I tend to imagine the ending of an imperfect story. Some stories end too quickly, some seem to go on forever. The abrupt stories are the teenagers who get into car crashes or children dying in cancer wards while the long ones are the great grandparents that still have traditional sunday dinners. Thinking about death as a closing, a final farewell to the world, rather than mysterious and frightening, makes it easier to accept.
Emotionally, death does not frighten me. At least, my own death does not frighten me, only the deaths of people around me. I see my own death as inevitable; whether it happens tomorrow or in 60 years the result will still be the same. I think if people spend their lives living in fear of death then they can not possibly live to the fullest.”
KD
“I have many different thoughts and feelings when I think of death and they have changed a lot as I have aged. When I was younger it was overwhelming fear and sadness at thoughts of my own and those that I love. I still feel thjat way about those tjhat I love but I have definately come to understand it as part of the whole package of life. I feel that I have had a great life. I0 want to be with my husband and kids and be with my future grandkids for as long as possible. But life has been great for me. I am a little fearful of the unknown and sAd to be separated from those who I love but I have come to accept the inevitable.”
JD
“The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of death is life; new life.
As a human there is some fear of the actual "dying" but I actually look with anticipation, to death to some degree, as I believe strongly in life after death, and the promises we are given by God. Trading in this frail body for one that is eternal and without imperfection appeals to me greatly. =) “
Jacob Shull
“the first thing that comes to my mind is pain
when thinking about death it makes me feel like i can't breath, depressed, and sad”
KD
The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about death is Heaven. As far as my own death goes, I'm not scared or sad about it. When I think about my family or friends dying it scares me to death (no pun intended) and it is more the thought of having to live without them.
Chrissy
“The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of death is Heaven.
I'm not scared of death at all. In fact, I'm kind of excited about it. It would certainly be an interesting experience.”
Friday, May 13, 2011
List
Dont Die My Love, Lurlene McDaniel, 1995
Remember Me, Director: Allen Coulter, 2010
Slipped away, Avril Lavigne, Under My Skin,
What Sarah Said, Death Cab For Cutie, Plans
I Miss You: A First look At Death, Pat Thomas, 2001
Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom, 1997, US
The Five People You Meet In Heaven, Mitch Albom, March 2006, US
Your'e Never Over, Eminem, Recovery
You Make Me Want To Die, the Pretty Reckless, Light Me Up
Cassie, FlyLeaf, Flyleaf
Death The Final Phase Of Life,Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Seven Pounds,Gabriele Muccino, Dec 2008
The Bucket List, Rob Reiner, 2008
My Sisters Keeper, Nick Cassavetes, June 2009
Chosen By a Horse, Susan Richards, 2006
How I Live Now, Meg Rosoff, 2004
Roots, Alex Haley,1979
The Lovely Bones, Alice Seabold, 2002
Acourding To Greta, Nancy Bardawil, 2009
Schindlers List, Steven Speilberg, 1993
Remember Me, Director: Allen Coulter, 2010
Slipped away, Avril Lavigne, Under My Skin,
What Sarah Said, Death Cab For Cutie, Plans
I Miss You: A First look At Death, Pat Thomas, 2001
Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom, 1997, US
The Five People You Meet In Heaven, Mitch Albom, March 2006, US
Your'e Never Over, Eminem, Recovery
You Make Me Want To Die, the Pretty Reckless, Light Me Up
Cassie, FlyLeaf, Flyleaf
Death The Final Phase Of Life,Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Seven Pounds,Gabriele Muccino, Dec 2008
The Bucket List, Rob Reiner, 2008
My Sisters Keeper, Nick Cassavetes, June 2009
Chosen By a Horse, Susan Richards, 2006
How I Live Now, Meg Rosoff, 2004
Roots, Alex Haley,1979
The Lovely Bones, Alice Seabold, 2002
Acourding To Greta, Nancy Bardawil, 2009
Schindlers List, Steven Speilberg, 1993
Death Excerpts
" If they kill him tonight, at least he would die alive."
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak,AUS, March 2006
"The survivors. Theyr'e the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail, I deliberatly see out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind."
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak, AUS, March 2006
It's Death Again
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak,AUS, March 2006
"The survivors. Theyr'e the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail, I deliberatly see out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind."
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak, AUS, March 2006
It's Death Again
"It's Death again – He's always there –
Watching, waiting – e'er the stare!
Every time I look behind
Or reach to pull the window blind,
I catch a glimpse of grubby hood –
A little clue to where he stood;
The glint of light that caught the scythe.
Perhaps if I could pay a tithe…
But O! no use, he'll never go.
The adamant phantom; don't you know
He will but wait until it's time
For me to hear His fateful chime? –
The toll that claims my destiny,
To Hail: 'You're next, it has to be…'"
Watching, waiting – e'er the stare!
Every time I look behind
Or reach to pull the window blind,
I catch a glimpse of grubby hood –
A little clue to where he stood;
The glint of light that caught the scythe.
Perhaps if I could pay a tithe…
But O! no use, he'll never go.
The adamant phantom; don't you know
He will but wait until it's time
For me to hear His fateful chime? –
The toll that claims my destiny,
To Hail: 'You're next, it has to be…'"
It's Death Again, Mark R Slaughter, Norwich, 2009
Suicide
An underlying sense of counting down –
A rhythm deep: enteric thuds –
Each another year to fret and frown
About, wading in the claggy muds
Of trial – to here, the blackened life.
A glint of blade had caught a baggy eye,
Sparking thoughts to jump the fence.
Could I grasp the handle – was I shy
Of what I had to do and hence remain
Enshrined in overwhelming strife?
The metal winked at me again
To beg the possibility
Of halting once and all the pain
To relish an eternity
Of rested shoulders,
Peace of mind;
So here, my wrist
For ‘quick and kind.’
Suicide, Mark R Slaughter, Norwich, 2009
The Child Dying
Unfriendly friendly universe,
I pack your stars into my purse,
And bid you so farewell.
That I can leave you, quite go out,
Go out, go out beyond all doubt,
My father says, is the miracle.
You are so great, and I so small:
I am nothing, you are all:
Being nothing, I can take this way.
Oh I need neither rise nor fall,
For when I do not move at all
I shall be out of all your day.
It's said some memory will remain
In the other place, grass in the rain,
Light on the land, sun on the sea,
A flitting grace, a phantom face,
But the world is out. There is not place
Where it and its ghost can ever be.
Father, father, I dread this air
Blown from the far side of despair
The cold cold corner. What house, what hold,
What hand is there? I look and see
Nothing-filled eternity,
And the great round world grows weak and old.
Hold my hand, oh hold it fast-
I am changing! - until at last
My hand in yours no more will change,
Though yours change on. You here, I there,
So hand in hand, twin-leafed despair -
I did not know death was so strange.
The Child Dying,Edwin Muir, Orkney, Scotland, 1950
An underlying sense of counting down –
A rhythm deep: enteric thuds –
Each another year to fret and frown
About, wading in the claggy muds
Of trial – to here, the blackened life.
A glint of blade had caught a baggy eye,
Sparking thoughts to jump the fence.
Could I grasp the handle – was I shy
Of what I had to do and hence remain
Enshrined in overwhelming strife?
The metal winked at me again
To beg the possibility
Of halting once and all the pain
To relish an eternity
Of rested shoulders,
Peace of mind;
So here, my wrist
For ‘quick and kind.’
Suicide, Mark R Slaughter, Norwich, 2009
The Child Dying
Unfriendly friendly universe,
I pack your stars into my purse,
And bid you so farewell.
That I can leave you, quite go out,
Go out, go out beyond all doubt,
My father says, is the miracle.
You are so great, and I so small:
I am nothing, you are all:
Being nothing, I can take this way.
Oh I need neither rise nor fall,
For when I do not move at all
I shall be out of all your day.
It's said some memory will remain
In the other place, grass in the rain,
Light on the land, sun on the sea,
A flitting grace, a phantom face,
But the world is out. There is not place
Where it and its ghost can ever be.
Father, father, I dread this air
Blown from the far side of despair
The cold cold corner. What house, what hold,
What hand is there? I look and see
Nothing-filled eternity,
And the great round world grows weak and old.
Hold my hand, oh hold it fast-
I am changing! - until at last
My hand in yours no more will change,
Though yours change on. You here, I there,
So hand in hand, twin-leafed despair -
I did not know death was so strange.
The Child Dying,Edwin Muir, Orkney, Scotland, 1950
Death Quotes
" If they kill him tonight, at least he would die alive."
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak,
"The survivors. Theyr'e the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail, I deliberatly see out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind."
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak,
It's Death Again
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak,
"The survivors. Theyr'e the ones I can't stand to look at, although on many occasions I still fail, I deliberatly see out the colors to keep my mind off them, but now and then, I witness the ones who are left behind."
The Book Theif, Markus Zusak,
It's Death Again
"It's Death again – He's always there –
Watching, waiting – e'er the stare!
Every time I look behind
Or reach to pull the window blind,
I catch a glimpse of grubby hood –
A little clue to where he stood;
The glint of light that caught the scythe.
Perhaps if I could pay a tithe…
But O! no use, he'll never go.
The adamant phantom; don't you know
He will but wait until it's time
For me to hear His fateful chime? –
The toll that claims my destiny,
To Hail: 'You're next, it has to be…'"
Watching, waiting – e'er the stare!
Every time I look behind
Or reach to pull the window blind,
I catch a glimpse of grubby hood –
A little clue to where he stood;
The glint of light that caught the scythe.
Perhaps if I could pay a tithe…
But O! no use, he'll never go.
The adamant phantom; don't you know
He will but wait until it's time
For me to hear His fateful chime? –
The toll that claims my destiny,
To Hail: 'You're next, it has to be…'"
It's Death Again, Mark R Slaughter, Norwich, 2009
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Fiction Story
She walks down to the pond, the couple inches of bare skin on her calves forming goose bumps, staring at the half frozen pond. The ground is hard under her feet as she walks toward the water, with an icy sprinkle of old snow crunching as she steps. Her boot toe first touches the edge of the water, followed by her other foot slowly becoming immersed in the water. Water rushes through the seems of her shoes, quickly numbing her toes and wrapping around her ankles.
I cant ignore this, I cant make excuses, this is happening. What am I supposed to do anyway? What do you do when someone tells you you’re going to die in two months? How do I tell my mom, what am I supposed to say,” hey mom guess what? I’m dieing in two months!”. Maybe I just wont tell her. Yeah, I’m just not gonna tell her till I’m really sick, but for now I’m fine. Then she wont have to deal with knowing her daughter has a death sentence, and I can live in peace and not have to worry about her for the time being. Now do I just go one with life like normal? Just go to work and night classes, just get by? And why am I so calm about this, shouldn’t I be freaking out? I guess its better that I’m not, there is nothing I can do about it anyways. Its weird, I just don’t feel anything. I just am, I should feel something, anything. But for now I’m just stunned.
Pushing forward against the resistance of the ice water she moves forward letting the it lap up behind her knees. She reaches out toward the layer of ice until she can run her fingers over the top of it. The water sat around her waist until she bent her knees, gulped in a breath of air and crouched her torso. Pushing herself with her toes against the pond floor she glides a foot to her right until her head and shoulders are under the ice. The moon glows through the ice with its distorted half moon shape illuminating the air bubbles racing from her nose to the edge of the ice. Again pushing off with her toes she rises into the almost warm feeling air and immediately splashes toward the frozen ground.
I’m not really sure why I went into the water in the first place, or then continued to go underwater. I don’t know maybe it was just to feel anything. I’ve always wondered was it would feel like to be in such cold water, it if would be numb, if it would hurt or just nothing, I don’t know. But I kinda just didn’t feel it, like the water was there but it had no temperature. I’ve heard before that once freezing water hits your neck it almost paralyzes you and you freeze, but I don’t know, it didn’t. Maybe that’s not just from the cold but also from shock and fear, maybe since I wasn’t scared and I was controlling what I was doing that didn’t happen? I don’t know, whatever. Looking through the water and ice was cool, especially the moon. I don’t know if I believe in heaven, but I wonder if you can still see the moon from there. I think if it is real I would go to heaven at least. Hell I don’t even have any idea what I think about it, if I believe it or not. I’ve always said I don’t really believe in god, but I’ve been pissed off at him, or the maybe its just the idea or him, I don’t even know which, but to be mad at something it means you believe in it. I think it makes me mad how some people base there whole lives off the idea of God, and attribute everything that happens to him. Also when people are supposedly devoted to God and their religion but they don’t put in the smallest effort to “ practice what they peach”. I guess I would like for there to be something after you die, not specifically heaven but just something. I guess I can see why people are so desperate for the to really be a heaven now.
“ Hello, is this Alice?”
“Yes this is she”
“Hi, its Doctor Montgomory, I wanted to check in on you after our meeting the other day. Have you headaches gotten any worse?”
“ Nope there’re fine, manageable, thanks.”
“ Alright, make sure tell me if the get significantly worse, or if you become dizzy. Those would be signs out when you would need to soon check into the hospital. Once you start becoming dizzy everything will quickly deteriorate and you will need to be in the hospital. Also have you looked into and of the physiologists on the list I gave you, they are all very experienced and people in your situation find it very helpful to see a therapist.”
“Yep I’ll tell you if I do. I haven’t talked to any of the therapists, maybe in the future but for now I’m all set, but thanks.”
“Well know that they are there as an option. Until you have to check into the hospital we will need to be in contact regularly. I would prefer to not make you come into the hospital for a meeting three times a week, so I will be frequently calling you to check up. But it is very important that if something comes up you need to call me or go straight to the hospital.”
“Yea that sounds fine, I don’t want to be in there all the time anyway. Ill make sure to keep you informed.”
“Alright, I wont keep you longer. Alice I’m very sorry there is no treatment and nothing we can do.”
“Its not a big deal. Thank you Doctor Montgomory, bye.”
“Goodbye.”
I don’t need to see a therapist, even if I should I don’t want to and I’m not gonna. It wont change anything.
I’m gonna see how much money I have saved. I only need enough for a month or so. If I have enough there isn’t really much point going to work. I mean I like it a little bit, but not enough to go just to go.. I know maybe. What should I do anyways? If I don’t have to go to work, and for that matter there isn’t much point in going to classes either. So there isn’t anything I have to do, I could just do nothing. So what to do?
Opening her wallet she pulls out exact change that she gives to the cashier who hands her in return a bag with a simple casual dress and the receipt. Once home with the dress over her head she wraps her arms around her stomach, almost hiding herself. After staring at into the full length mirror for nearly ten minutes, quickly she grabs her coat and slips on her shoes before she can change her mind. The air around her was almost warm being in the melting stages of winter, allowing her to linger outside in the sun without freezing.
Such a courageous thing to do huh, I bought a dress. I’ve always liked dresses, not wicked fancy ones but just simple and casual, I just never have the guts to wear them. I don’t really have the time now though to chicken out, its now or never. Its kinda pathetic, I’m not doing anything worthwhile, my big thing is wearing a dress. I should have some idea of what I want to do with this month, it could be anything, and I have nothing. I just don’t see a point in starting anything when who knows if I’ll finish…My heads been really hurting to, Advil or whatever doesn’t help. I should probably tell Dr. Montgomory, I don’t know, whatever for now.
Its been a couple weeks since the first meeting with Dr. Montgomory, so I have a couple left they think. I m still going to class, though now not so much for the class. I look at the people, a lot of them are kinda quirky, its interesting just to watch different people you know nothing about. I’m scared. I don’t want to die. And what about my mom and my friends. None of them now. I’ve hardly talked to them in weeks. I feel guilty for doing this to them even though I know its not like I wanted this. I wish I had done things differently, done what I really wanted, not just what other people wanted or what was easy. The most I’ll ever be is barely and adult with a crap job taking night classes. I could have done something with my time but I wasted it. I’ve been selfish my whole life. I’ve hurt a lot of people without even meaning to. I’ve wasted opportunities most people never get. Hey maybe its better I’m dieing, can’t hurt anyone new that way. Whether I live or die I mess things up.
Clutching her head she wobbles and bumps into the counter. Her head is spinning as she lets herself slide down the side of the counter till she is sitting with her legs out in front of her. After waiting there for thirteen minutes she starts to slowly stand, trying not to make herself dizzy again. With her head still pounding she wobbles toward to couch. Picking up the phone she dials Dr. Montgomory, taking three tries until she gets all the buttons correctly.
“Hello”
“Hi is Dr. Montgomory available?”
“ No I’m sorry not currently. Can I take a message?”
“ Yes please. Tell him Alice Monroe is going to be checking into the hospital.”
“Okay, anything else I can help you with?”
“No thank you. goodbye.”
She hangs up the phone and the starts dialing her mothers phone number.
“The number your are calling its not available at this time, please leave a message after the beep.”
“Hey mom its Alice. I need you to come pick me up soon, I gotta go the hospital. Don’t rush its not an emergency, I just need to check in sometime today. Its all really complicated but I’ll explain it. Sorry I haven’t said anything before now. But yea, I’ll explain in the car I guess, but don’t rush. Thanks, love ya.”
I haven’t told her I love her in probably a year, and before then it had been years. I know it’s a vulnerability thing, I don’t like saying I love you to anyone, but I don’t know why its worse with her. What a great daughter I’ve been… So this is it. Everything ends now. I’ll lay in a white room for two or so weeks and then I’m done. I gotta tell mom in the car, there is no avoiding it now.
Her phone starts ringing and the screen lights up with “Mom”.
This is it.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Discussion Poem
Momma don’t worry I’ll be alright
Really momma don’t cry
It doesn’t bother me that I’m gonna die
You can’t say that sweetheart
The doctors are going to make you better
Your life is going to become even greater
I heard what the doctor said momma, I understand
Its okay though really, I don’t mind
I’m not afraid, I’ve had plenty of time
No no sweetheart your going to have a long life
You know those cookies that you always eat
Imagine all the empty boxes of treats there will be
But really I already ate enough cookies
I’ve ate them till my stomach hurts
Those and every other desert
I’ll be okay mom, I’ve already gotten to try every food I would ever want to.
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