She walks down to the pond, the couple inches of bare skin on her calves forming goose bumps, staring at the half frozen pond. The ground is hard under her feet as she walks toward the water, with an icy sprinkle of old snow crunching as she steps. Her boot toe first touches the edge of the water, followed by her other foot slowly becoming immersed in the water. Water rushes through the seems of her shoes, quickly numbing her toes and wrapping around her ankles.
I cant ignore this, I cant make excuses, this is happening. What am I supposed to do anyway? What do you do when someone tells you you’re going to die in two months? How do I tell my mom, what am I supposed to say,” hey mom guess what? I’m dieing in two months!”. Maybe I just wont tell her. Yeah, I’m just not gonna tell her till I’m really sick, but for now I’m fine. Then she wont have to deal with knowing her daughter has a death sentence, and I can live in peace and not have to worry about her for the time being. Now do I just go one with life like normal? Just go to work and night classes, just get by? And why am I so calm about this, shouldn’t I be freaking out? I guess its better that I’m not, there is nothing I can do about it anyways. Its weird, I just don’t feel anything. I just am, I should feel something, anything. But for now I’m just stunned.
Pushing forward against the resistance of the ice water she moves forward letting the it lap up behind her knees. She reaches out toward the layer of ice until she can run her fingers over the top of it. The water sat around her waist until she bent her knees, gulped in a breath of air and crouched her torso. Pushing herself with her toes against the pond floor she glides a foot to her right until her head and shoulders are under the ice. The moon glows through the ice with its distorted half moon shape illuminating the air bubbles racing from her nose to the edge of the ice. Again pushing off with her toes she rises into the almost warm feeling air and immediately splashes toward the frozen ground.
I’m not really sure why I went into the water in the first place, or then continued to go underwater. I don’t know maybe it was just to feel anything. I’ve always wondered was it would feel like to be in such cold water, it if would be numb, if it would hurt or just nothing, I don’t know. But I kinda just didn’t feel it, like the water was there but it had no temperature. I’ve heard before that once freezing water hits your neck it almost paralyzes you and you freeze, but I don’t know, it didn’t. Maybe that’s not just from the cold but also from shock and fear, maybe since I wasn’t scared and I was controlling what I was doing that didn’t happen? I don’t know, whatever. Looking through the water and ice was cool, especially the moon. I don’t know if I believe in heaven, but I wonder if you can still see the moon from there. I think if it is real I would go to heaven at least. Hell I don’t even have any idea what I think about it, if I believe it or not. I’ve always said I don’t really believe in god, but I’ve been pissed off at him, or the maybe its just the idea or him, I don’t even know which, but to be mad at something it means you believe in it. I think it makes me mad how some people base there whole lives off the idea of God, and attribute everything that happens to him. Also when people are supposedly devoted to God and their religion but they don’t put in the smallest effort to “ practice what they peach”. I guess I would like for there to be something after you die, not specifically heaven but just something. I guess I can see why people are so desperate for the to really be a heaven now.
“ Hello, is this Alice?”
“Yes this is she”
“Hi, its Doctor Montgomory, I wanted to check in on you after our meeting the other day. Have you headaches gotten any worse?”
“ Nope there’re fine, manageable, thanks.”
“ Alright, make sure tell me if the get significantly worse, or if you become dizzy. Those would be signs out when you would need to soon check into the hospital. Once you start becoming dizzy everything will quickly deteriorate and you will need to be in the hospital. Also have you looked into and of the physiologists on the list I gave you, they are all very experienced and people in your situation find it very helpful to see a therapist.”
“Yep I’ll tell you if I do. I haven’t talked to any of the therapists, maybe in the future but for now I’m all set, but thanks.”
“Well know that they are there as an option. Until you have to check into the hospital we will need to be in contact regularly. I would prefer to not make you come into the hospital for a meeting three times a week, so I will be frequently calling you to check up. But it is very important that if something comes up you need to call me or go straight to the hospital.”
“Yea that sounds fine, I don’t want to be in there all the time anyway. Ill make sure to keep you informed.”
“Alright, I wont keep you longer. Alice I’m very sorry there is no treatment and nothing we can do.”
“Its not a big deal. Thank you Doctor Montgomory, bye.”
“Goodbye.”
I don’t need to see a therapist, even if I should I don’t want to and I’m not gonna. It wont change anything.
I’m gonna see how much money I have saved. I only need enough for a month or so. If I have enough there isn’t really much point going to work. I mean I like it a little bit, but not enough to go just to go.. I know maybe. What should I do anyways? If I don’t have to go to work, and for that matter there isn’t much point in going to classes either. So there isn’t anything I have to do, I could just do nothing. So what to do?
Opening her wallet she pulls out exact change that she gives to the cashier who hands her in return a bag with a simple casual dress and the receipt. Once home with the dress over her head she wraps her arms around her stomach, almost hiding herself. After staring at into the full length mirror for nearly ten minutes, quickly she grabs her coat and slips on her shoes before she can change her mind. The air around her was almost warm being in the melting stages of winter, allowing her to linger outside in the sun without freezing.
Such a courageous thing to do huh, I bought a dress. I’ve always liked dresses, not wicked fancy ones but just simple and casual, I just never have the guts to wear them. I don’t really have the time now though to chicken out, its now or never. Its kinda pathetic, I’m not doing anything worthwhile, my big thing is wearing a dress. I should have some idea of what I want to do with this month, it could be anything, and I have nothing. I just don’t see a point in starting anything when who knows if I’ll finish…My heads been really hurting to, Advil or whatever doesn’t help. I should probably tell Dr. Montgomory, I don’t know, whatever for now.
Its been a couple weeks since the first meeting with Dr. Montgomory, so I have a couple left they think. I m still going to class, though now not so much for the class. I look at the people, a lot of them are kinda quirky, its interesting just to watch different people you know nothing about. I’m scared. I don’t want to die. And what about my mom and my friends. None of them now. I’ve hardly talked to them in weeks. I feel guilty for doing this to them even though I know its not like I wanted this. I wish I had done things differently, done what I really wanted, not just what other people wanted or what was easy. The most I’ll ever be is barely and adult with a crap job taking night classes. I could have done something with my time but I wasted it. I’ve been selfish my whole life. I’ve hurt a lot of people without even meaning to. I’ve wasted opportunities most people never get. Hey maybe its better I’m dieing, can’t hurt anyone new that way. Whether I live or die I mess things up.
Clutching her head she wobbles and bumps into the counter. Her head is spinning as she lets herself slide down the side of the counter till she is sitting with her legs out in front of her. After waiting there for thirteen minutes she starts to slowly stand, trying not to make herself dizzy again. With her head still pounding she wobbles toward to couch. Picking up the phone she dials Dr. Montgomory, taking three tries until she gets all the buttons correctly.
“Hello”
“Hi is Dr. Montgomory available?”
“ No I’m sorry not currently. Can I take a message?”
“ Yes please. Tell him Alice Monroe is going to be checking into the hospital.”
“Okay, anything else I can help you with?”
“No thank you. goodbye.”
She hangs up the phone and the starts dialing her mothers phone number.
“The number your are calling its not available at this time, please leave a message after the beep.”
“Hey mom its Alice. I need you to come pick me up soon, I gotta go the hospital. Don’t rush its not an emergency, I just need to check in sometime today. Its all really complicated but I’ll explain it. Sorry I haven’t said anything before now. But yea, I’ll explain in the car I guess, but don’t rush. Thanks, love ya.”
I haven’t told her I love her in probably a year, and before then it had been years. I know it’s a vulnerability thing, I don’t like saying I love you to anyone, but I don’t know why its worse with her. What a great daughter I’ve been… So this is it. Everything ends now. I’ll lay in a white room for two or so weeks and then I’m done. I gotta tell mom in the car, there is no avoiding it now.
Her phone starts ringing and the screen lights up with “Mom”.
This is it.
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